The Firelady,
a Norwegian Memorial, dedicated to Hilde Knudsen [06.10.1973 to 17.12.1995]
Lady of Fire in the northern region,
talented and highly expected actress, playwriter, gorgeous looking
woman and part time witch
History:
Hilde Knudsen was born in Ålborg (Denmark) on the 6th of October 1973.
She spent her childhood years in Finland and Egypt, and her youth in
Kristiansand. She wrote the musical "Rotten Vold og Katta Strofe"
together with her friend Solveig Knudsen, who composed the music, and
had it performed by the theater troop "Ama-tor du?". She has written
countless other plays, and she has been a member of "Ville Rose
Teateret" since 1991. In her final year of her baccalaureate at
"Kristiansand Katedralskole" she wrote the one-act play
"Skyskrapertiger" (Skyscraper-tiger) and had it performed at the
regional theater in Kristiansand. We find the same themes running
through today's plays. "Mannen som drepte sin elskede" (=The man who
killed his beloved) in 1992, and "Den Store Billedhuggeren" (=The Great
Sculptor) in 1990, are both based on the communication and
miscommunication occurring between man and woman.
Hilde spent the year of 1993 in Ingolstadt, where she worked as an Aide
to the "Stadttheater Ingolstadt" director (namely Ernst Seiltgen) on a number of performances, including "Trisdan and
Isolde". She had studied Norwegian language and literature at Agder
College in Kristiansand.
My personal history of and with Hilde:
I first contacted her as anonymous by a letter in which I should
describe my friend Rossi to her (as she has asked him to bid a friend
to do so). I did never ask what she thought about these lines, but she
simply replied: write more.
To be honest: I was never a good writer, nor did she find my style in
any way professional, but we had a hell of a good time writing hundreds
of letters some ten sides long and I enjoyed reading her letters
tremendously. Even for her young age of 18
years, her talk was defined, serious, precise, full of wit, agile and
very charming. I was
impressed and in the next two years it rose to much more than a pen pal
relation on a
regular basis. I was fond of her letters and was ever happy when one
arrived, curious of what news it brought. We discussed the "world
problems" from base to top and down again. In this era I designed
business cards for her to give as reference. They were printed on brown
parchement, but the print formular
is still in my grasp (I was rather proud of my possibility to use the
country specific letters which was normally restricted to professionals
at thta time). We never talked how she used them or which one was her
favorite, but I had to create another charge for her community
relatives.
When I first heard her english speaking voice during a visit here, I
was doomed to follow her. It was the most wonderful, gracious,
marvellous and fascinating voice I met until today, so full of melody,
richness and volume, sweet like honey and still straight like light. It
was a promising moment when I had arranged a meeting between a local
music artist (Christopher) to do recordings with her.
Hilde in June 1994 at Christophers studio learning the text
Unfortunately she catched a cold just before she came here and during
these 8 days, so the recordings had to be technically "supported" (with
simple equipment (a TASCAM Portaone Ministudio) and not some sort of sound computer like today everyone is using),
because she insisted in doing this right now, right here. Her true voice
was higher, more like in "On a rainy Sunday". The recordings have been
done on a noisy 4 channel tape (see above)and was meant to present it to a few
record companies to show the potential of her voice and then get
into a professional studio repeating the recordings. Unluckily it never
came so far. Her favorite track was "Not alright" by the way. They took
a few more than the three I could offer (they are anyway copyrighted by
Christopher Angel!!!), but they neither survived Hildes nor Christophers
wish for a possible perfection:
01-Looking_for_someone
02-On_a_ rainy_Sunday
03-Not_Alright
In September 1995 I started to get in contact with a local studio to
produce a 'glass master' to do a zero series of her recording. Meant to
be a birthday present, but it took weeks until the recordings were transfered from the 4 channel
tape mix into DAT stereo, so November '95 went past until the
glass master (a 25cm diameter 1cm thick metallized plate of glass) was
finished. Searching for a cheap production site took again a few weeks.
So it will be a christmas present; very well so far. On the 20th of December
1995 I received 10 unprinted shiny silver discs with her voice trapped in it. I
was sure she would be impressed with such a professionell (even when the
recording was very simple) presentation (Remember 1995: no CD burner,
no streaming music, no iPod and stuff)! I was so far away so I wanted
to make a bold statement with my support.
On the 23.12.95 I called her a few times, but couldn't reach anyone so
I wasn't sure she would catch the package (we have had a few nice
affairs with DHL packages from Germany and the customs department of
Kristiansand), so I waited with the sending until she was informed that something special is on the way.
I repeated the calls the next day with same effect (which was not so unusual; I haven't
called her for a lot of weeks to safe the money for the production of
the CDs).
In the early afternoon of 27.12 Roy called me and informed me: 'Hello
Sam, this is Roy speaking. It's about Hilde. This is serious, so sit
down and don't do anything stupid'. So it started and we talked about
ten minutes.
Just take time and feel the
sunshine that should shine upon you, the visitor:
My collection of the plays she was in or written the play/script
herself (the copyright is at her mothers/fathers so take care!):
Ludvigs Lykkelige Vinter-Program
Mannsmot-Script
Mordret pa Marat from Peter Weiss-Program
Reisen til Mi Lah-Program
The great sculpterer-Script (fractional)
The man who killed his beloved (fractional)
Ville Rose Teatret-Journal
My small picture collection is big in size, but I want to preserve
her in the best quality that is possible.
My earliest picture of this interesting Lady
One place which is reserved at her parents
One place she never would have liked to walk around :-(
The Recording sessions in Ingolstadt/Germany Picture #1
The Recording sessions in Ingolstadt/Germany Picture #2
The Recording sessions in Ingolstadt/Germany Picture #3
The Recording sessions in Ingolstadt/Germany Picture #4
The Recording sessions in Ingolstadt/Germany Picture #5
A picture she has painted in July 1993 when she visited Mirjam (a common friend)
A picture of her performing in Stockholm in 1994 [=Hilde as doctor Graziano (il
Dottore), quarreling with Pantalone (Torgny)]
A picture of her performing in Oslo in 1994 [at a Medieval Festival]
At the Beach of Grenen/Denmark with the 'Group' (the Group planned to set up the rig and play as far out as possible (at low
tide), and let the water rise while they finished the play; the idea aborted
because of that enormous distance with loose sand)
Strolling around with Viola and Ole-Jacob in Gamla Stan/Stockholm
A picture with Henrik while testing their masks
A big part of her life went into the theater (namely the 'Rosegarden Teaterhus'):
Hilde singing when acting as daughter (Christine Fudevig) of
a witch in the play 'The Happy Winter of
Ludvig'
The Poster of that play. Hilde did all the lyrics and acted as well
(see picture on the left)
One of Hildes plays (as author & director) premiered in the beginning of January 1994 named 'Vrangforestillinger'
This is the original advertisement wallpaper of 'Vrangforestillinger'
The backside was used ingeniously used in a leporello style discription thanks to Marthe Undheim.
Hilde acting as the main character Enita in the play 'The Journey to Mi Lah' (right of her is Låje)
in 1991
One
of her last plays (that I'm aware of). I'm currently unable to answer
what she played or did in that classic piece. She just wrote "I'm
working on it" in one of her letters
A picture of Hilde, helping a friend (I think it is Audun) dressing as
soldier to be acting in the Christiansholm Festning in July/August 1995
(an act about the English Navy attacking Kristiansand in 1807, the so
called 'one shot war'); she was playing the character of 'Søverin' when
I do remember right.
Hilde and Torgny outside her
''wardrobe'' Christiansholm Festning in August 1995 relaxing a bit from
the work in the sun, eight times a day, day in day out.
While her Ingolstadt days (working as an aide in the local theater
in
the beginning of 1993) we visited a few rehearsals for the intimate theater play 'Der Tod und das Maedchen'. It was inspiring and opened my
mind for the world of theater at that time. Hilde was much into details how the
actors interpreted the script (later used exactly for Roman Polanskis
movie 'Death and the Maiden') and how good they performed. She was very
direct in telling me what's the meaning of this and that and why the
other way wouldn't work (which I proclaimed)... of course this was
unfair as she literally seen all the rehearsals and the other actors
talking to the director.
A small aspect of her Philosophie:
Hilde talked to me on a few occasions about her way of thinking and things that make her 'move'.
Media: Studying
Mediascience and what Media really is, was a big part of her inner self
and a (for me very influencual) saying was "Media is the first power in
the state!"
With
(constructed) Media it is very easy to move the 'Masses' ["you rise
with the Media and you die by the Media, no matter if it's radio, TV,
newspaper, Internet, movie, bokk or theater] and therefore a very
important part of our current society to influence and even create the
society itself. Media is influenced by money (adverts, ...) and the
"Lobby". She found it essential to make your own picture of multiple
sources and rightful thinking about it. The 007 movie "Tomorrow Never Dies" showed the ultimate meaning of her meaning. I'm sure she would find the movie 'horrific' in its true meaning... =>inform yourself and think for yourself!!!
Theater: Acting
and playing, being on a stage was important for her, moving the people
into thinking about special or forgotten, overlooked "lost cases" was
the meaning for her writings and a big motor for her
actings =>try to live every day of your life
Love: While she
found it important to have an equal relation, where both partners have
the same rights, roles and positions (and therefore adoration is not
OK, while to esteem someone is acceptable), she loved being adored and
loved in every depth possible. We had a (for me) very long and
devastating discussion (with her studying companion Sigrun) of a
"real-life partnership" with absolute transparency and equal rights and everything
spoken out (and so no room for biased affection), where Sigrun could not accept a biased relationship. I talked with Hilde
later about this discussion in detail as I was very astonished to see
the discrepancy in saying, likeing and hearing and she calmed me down:
there's always the way it should be, but life takes it's own unique
way =>be passionate.
A tiny bit of her private life:
In Octobre 1994 she met the love of her life: Roy Evensen.
He studied at the same time as she did, is witty, straight, a musician,
open for comments, alternative thinking, intelligent, weighted "love over gold":
a true supporter. They lived in a about 25m^2 flat (with her
granny Randys bed) happily together, where she had her own small
corner for writing and retreating. It
always fascinated me with what little help she could reach higher
goals, how she amplified the little support a friend could give; a real
powerpack!!!
Her friends, schoolmates and associates (as far as I remember them) and the 'Group':
Roy Evensen
Torgny Solheim
Ole-Jacob Govertsen
Audun Rossvoll
Karianne Reme
Anne-Kari (...maybe I'm remembering Karianne the wrong way?!)
Henrik V. Werring
Sigrun
Ludvig
Viola Engenes Hamre
Ina Pierré
and many more I don't remember or only was stored a
member of the (acting)"Group". I'd like to contact everyone of her
companions back then, but with part names and 25 years later it seems
impossible.
Her favourite music groups were (as far as I was informed when we talked on the phone or by her mails):
Bel Canto ('Shimmering warm and bright' was often heard by her)
Dollie de Luxe (the 'Which Witch' musical to name one)
Shakespears Sister (to which she introduced me to)
Tori Amos ('Little Earthquakes' was the album she knew afaik)
90's Dance music (the text is not as important as long as the rhythm is right she told me when I asked her about that liking)
and more as she liked being inspired by music while reading/writing....
well I'd dig into our old letters, were she sometimes wrote what she
was hearing while writing to me,,,, but that seems like opening
Pandoras Box for me.
The 'IN' Session CD:
On the 28.11.1995 I finally got a hold on the first (CD) glass
master of the IN Sessions. I had to digitize the recordings, clean it
as best as possible (with only 40dB SNR and with lots of tries) and it
took me 3 month until I got the right format (premaster-DAT to avoid
paying again for converting + remixing) and enough money to get such a
glass master, ready for "mass production" (it was still not the time
for cheap CD-R Recorders in 1994 to go such a simple and home grown
way). I thought about sending it to her as a christmas present (with my favourite imagined parcel service 'Dragon Mail Express'), but
wanted to inform her first so she was prepared for problems with the
customs as we had all the times before [when I sent her sweets (like white
chocolate), symbols, a cake, gadgets (or for one time condoms)].
Her Death:
In the Morning of the 16.12.1995 Roy received a telephone call, after
coming back to bed, he just heard strange noises and found her (with a
likely pulmonary embolism) breathing for air, already unconscience.
Even after a perfect reaction from Roy doing a cardiopulmonary
resuscitation and a fast ambulance the condition was helpless. After
nearly 37 hours fighting it was over at 20:38 CET. Her brain had
suffered so much damage so a further life was impossible.
I tried (unaware of what happened in the meantime) to call her on
23.12.1995 at her parents and had her father on the phone. While
ignoring any word he said (I could not even remember afterwards the words he spoke), I
asked for her and when he might have said she's dead or no longer there,
I said (not replied) "OK, then I will try again in the next days when she's back". I tried to call
her the next days at Roy's place, but could not reach anyone, which was
not so unusual for a busy person.
When I was informed 10 days later of her fate (by Roy himself), I
expected everything and everyone from being in whatever circumstances,
but not her BEING DEAD: she ate healthy, did sports, was highly
endurable, perfectly weighted, had a fabulous condition, didn't smoke and
had no 'till death exhaustion'. She simply took one medicament:
Scherings 'Marvelon'. A real contumeliousness is the fact that exactly
this medicament was forbidden (for new prescriptions and woman under 30
years) on the 11.12.1995 in Europe due to the high chance of getting
thromboses (see article below). It should have eased her and Roys life; in the end it
shortened it to zero.....
[AddOn 16.06.2019]: Well I'd to
correct this statement: she did smoke a cigarette from time to time to
relax she told me in 1994 (when I first seen her smoking at all) and
yes she sometimes eaten McDonalds Burgers which had the right taste for
her.
All what is left (physical) behind are a few theater plays (mostly not
translated), poems, wishes, thoughts, pictures, hundred of letters
(+and three unanswered) and a special place where all my dreams and
hopes lies...
Sad, but true....
A scan of Torgny's speach at her funeral
My
personal "Rage against the (pharma) Machine" was more of a crusade
against a very big corporation with very little real effect.
It took me two years with lots of
reports, expert evidence & counter-evidence, often stretching
courts verdicts, expertises, acquittal,
court decisions, and no real dealing with the case.
In the aftermath it was a big waste of
money, time, revenge (for me/her), hopes (that others are spared) and Hilde was still dead and Marvelon (& Co) is
still sold more than before.
The scan
above is from a local newspaper I found as a 'proof' (while raging war
against Schering in the years after her death) of m crusade. It tells about the stop for new
medications for young women in Germany than Europe starting from 11.12.1995,
when
three independent studies concluded in the high risk taking those
contraceptive pills.
Another Scan about Critical acclaims on Marvelon contraceptives
As Hilde was always a person with a positive view on doing things, here are:
Short real life stories with Hilde involved (from companions, friends, family and chums):
A) We used to meet every
few days at the Ingolstadt Künettigraben (a
small pond build as a defensive position), after she did her job at the
local theater. She always wore skirts in flying colours and designs,
her
hair flowing around her head and with a "fully loaded" womans handbag
[years later I conceived with Roy that he's writing a book about what
Hilde could and did contain (everyday) in her handbag=> everything,
but the kitchen sink]. We walked the ways around the long stretched
pond and talked [well I listened in most cases as my English was never
trained before, s oquite poor...] and everytime I smiled she asked
"what is it? why are you smiling?" While I answered "oh, just thinking
about the whole situation", but I meant: "I'm very pleased to spent a
very pleasent time with you here walking and listening to your daily
encounter". The work placement in Ingolstadt was soon over and we
parted for a lot of month until I was able to get her mail address and
contacted her again. (sam)
B) The 'Casper' & 'Phileas Fogg' situation:
during my visit in 1995 in Kristiansand we visited the 'Phileas Fogg'
restaurant (it seemed more of a café at that time but anyway) for some
cool drinks and sat outside in the sun. 'We' was: two others of her
theater group (which I do not remember), a guy named Ludwig, she and
me. Ludwig did receive a call on his (then very rare) cellular Nokia
phone and answered it. While answering the others decided to go to the
afternoon session of a new children movie called "Casper". While I was
not sure if I should spent my money on a children movie, she told me
that it will be great fun and asked me if I didn't like throwing
popcorn around which I rather declined, but she talked me into it.
Ludwig was instantly taken and promised to pay for the snacks. So we
went to the cinema bought the tickets (not sure if I haven't been
invited by her or Ludwig) and we fetched some candy/snacks (which
included lots of popcorn). True to her intentions they have thrown
around some popcorn from time to time when the scene 'called for it'.
While I liked the movie plot a lot, I was rather distinguished by the
'not adult' behavior of the group from whom I mostly know for their
seriousness. (sam)
C) The wine in Norway, Knut and Moussaka situation:
for a final highlight during my visit in 1995 we agreed to meet in the
evening at Auduns flat, he will cook Moussaka and we will attend and
have a nice evening. As guest I obliged to bring the (sweet and red)
wine fitting for the dish. Hilde and Audun went back to their doing and
I went out for something to fetch. Later I did start to search for wine
in the local grocery store (should afair have been the "KIWI Elvegata")
and found no kind of wine. Same at the patrol station and the next two
supermarkets I checked=>I was totally unaware of the different
alcohol handling in Norway. Searching further I finnaly quit and went
to Knuts, a local small "Hot potato and Chips" shop whom Hilde
presented me as first contact when I first visited Kristiansand in
early 1994. I talked with him about the wine and he explained the
complete wrong wayx of obtaining it=>"Vinmonopolet (Lillemarkens)"
is the only way to get it. I instantly went there, but it was already
closed (around 16 o'clock) and it looked more like a bank to me: armed
patrols and heavily armoured; it frightend me quite. As it was already
too late I went back to Knut and he offered me if I could wait until
he's closing (short after six o'clock) he will provide me with wine. So
I spent one hour fidling around his shop and wasting time until he
closed. We went to his appartment, he gave me the wine and as I was
already late I instantly ran off to Auduns flat, whereever that was.
Exhausted, sweaty and too late I sat there at first (the Moussaka was
started when we met, so it was not really late) and relaxed a bit.
While eating I described my whole day in detail finding some wine. I
was explained why it is different and how I'd have done it. Anyway I'm
not sure if I'd have afford it back then, because wine, even simple
wine is very expensive in Norway.
The wine I received from Knut was a speciality and while I do not
remember the brand or taste I'm still grateful for that gift he gave me
for just a "Thank you". As it was my last day there I was unable to
gratify him more. Half a year later (while my first visit to her grave)
I was unable to find Knuts shop again so my gratification is still
open... They had fun laughing over my unususal day and findings, but
after all
it was a very nice evening and I still smile when I remember the scene
when Hilde and Audun did check the oven (with the Moussaka) at
the
same time and where Auduns nose got stuck when he turned around. (sam)
D) 'Lots of E's': When
I was in my preparation to visit her, I asked her if I should bring
something she liked in Germany with me. She just told me "Sweets!". OK,
there are about 100 Brands I do know who manufacture every kind of
sweets, so I wanted more details (candy, drops, lollipops, chocolate,
....) what kind so I don't bring exactly what she did not like. She
answered: "I like any sweets as long as they contain lots of E's and
that fancy colouring stuff. Norge does not allow most of the artificial
and flavouring stuff used in such foreign products". So I brought her
for about 2kg of colourful sweets. She was very happy about them and
cherished them for a few weeks/month as treasure for special occasions.
(sam)
E)
.
.
.
Z)
Fundamental Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message SHE Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sundays rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Adapted from Wystan Hugh Auden's Funeral Blues; he perfectly transformed my feelings into words
'If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.'
Or in the legendary words of Edmund, Lord Blackadder:
"Living without you is like a broken
pencil."
"Explain!"
"Pointless!"
My Weblogbook about my (after)thoughts about you:
11.12.2011:Another year have silently passed. I'm
still missing you, and the colour and your charisma which enlightened
my world in 4D is still lost in a trail of tears. Two years ago I
started another attempt to translate your works into English and German
to find interested theater directors. All that I've read is amazing and
deep thoughts about the living being.
After all these years I'm
deeply worried and sad about so little survived of your creative live.
Roy, Trine, Elsa, your Father, me, myself and I miss your flourish
character and I'm certainly miss your voice a lot! I think often about
you, your nowaday maybe living, how time could have treated you, what
you might have experienced, what you think about current news and media.
16.12.2011:At about 7:10 the run started. It's very
windy here. You death by the emboly is very permament in my brain as I
saved Mario five years ago from one, being a very serious happening in
his and my life.
17.12.2011:Storm Joachim finished today. At 20:37
I've been silent for a moment. The night before I'd enough time to feel
sorrow for us survivers. Black & White are the only colours left.
It seems I'm forgetting your voice as I tried to remember the last
telephone call with you. Your smile is still very around me with the
few pictures I own from you. I still carry your "Charisma and Intellect
hatchet" as my main banner, but alone I'm not able to fill the breach
you left behind. I hope you lived every day of your precious life!
Sleep well Firelady.
18.12.2012:I seem to have lost contact to your mother
and Roy. It's silent and quite busy at the same time; I guess the same
situation as your christmas time in 1995 with Roy. I mourned on the
morning of the 16th as it started (what I could not know and prevent)
and ended on the 17th at 20:37.... Sleep well Firelady.
06.10.2013:Today would have been your 40th birthday.
I could hardly imagine how you would look now; I met you when you've
been in your blooming youth. Today I could only imagine you as an
grownup Lady with adult style, wisdom, self esteem, punch with an edge,
fun, happy living and lots of projects and words. Too much fantasy?
Maybe, but that's how I met you. So much time passed and I haven't got
any further spreading your plays and works. Your mother contacted me
via letter, because they moved a bit further. I'll write her back as
soon as I found the strenght. Sleep well Firelady.
01.11.2013:Today is Festum Omnium Sanctorum or All
Saints' Day. When I stood at my fathers grave, feeling your graveyard
so faraway, but remembering the picture your mum sent me. I wish all of
your charisma, knowledge, spirit, enthusiasmn and beauty survived in
the world of the living... somehow, somewhere. Sleep well Firelady.
04.12.2013:Shortly it will be your 18th day of death
and I'm reeling from a blow.... 18 years and still feeling the loss in
so many facades, feeling you so far away and further moving, with so
little survived. Sleep well Firelady.
16.02.2016:Lot of time has passed since my last
entry. Hilde20 or H20 (in memory of our soul 'water') I'd like to call
it.... 20 years and no big step bringing your plays onto stage again. I
damaged my thumbjoint so I was unable to write with no pain for a long
time. Pictures and events with you sometimes went past my memory, tears
fill my eyes then and... yes live goes on. It'll pass. Gabi started
(after 14 years in a professional 'Prison') a new job and is happy to
let the ugly past behind. You were not allowed to die, there's so much
I've to show and tell you, so much you have to tell me with your sweet
english voice. There are so many stages you should have climbed, sieged
and conquered, so much you should have seen, experienced, tasted and
loved. I miss the whole lot of you, lost as it seems forever or caged
into our minds and memories. Sleep well Firelady.
25.03.2016:Yesterday I've seen the movie 'Dogma'. In
the last minutes my mood changed when seeing big power=> Make her
whole, better is not needed... she already is/was: God where have you
been when Hilde needed you most? Funny thought for that movie. It's
time for me to write Elsa. My thumb is still hurting, but not while
writing anymore so time to hold my promises! Sleep well Firelady.
26.12.2016:This time the 17th Dec. passed when I was
visiting my friend in Dresden, so it was not only a "sad thoughts day".
I really try to cherish the moments I remember with her, her words and
laughs. But even after 21 years it's hard, so hard and often tears my
soul apart... How much I miss you Firelady...
09.01.2017:What a luck: I found Torgnys mailaddress
and contacted him after 21 years of silence. He reacted instantly and I
received a precious picture of Hilde. As he was in close contact with
Hilde's theater world, I might glimpse some insight into that part. I
was not aware that she played such a central role there.
10.02.2017:Torgny wrote back with five pictures of
their common past. What a treasure. I think Ieven have the (a bit) torn
poster of Vrangforestillinger and another poster with a play of her
(with a kissing mouth in front of), which I don't remember the name.
Thanks to him I overworked the webpage and added the pictures. I even
opened my 'treasure chest' with the old relics from her and found a
(answered of course) letter with Torgny being named.
19.05.2017:
... I will not understand why the world
still spins around the sun and travel further through time and space
when it lost a most important piece!
29.09.2017:
A few days ago I tried to contact your
parents and Torgny again, as I haven't heard of them for more than halb
a year. I hope I haven't scared them away with too much enthusiasm as I
do so often... The contact to Roy subsided to null in the last ten
years. I never found contact to Sigrun or Ludwig, even Auden would be a
welcome contact, even when I know how much he hurted/mistreated you. I
thought about contacting Rossi again (not because of you, but I thought
it's worth mentioning). Sleep well my Lady!
06.10.2017:
Today is your 44th birthday. Whatever I
try, I find it hard not to be sorry and sad. You never told me how splendid
your 22nd birthday had been. Roy told me on the phone (when you were away
somewhere a few days later) that it was 'splendid and funny'. I guess your
parents are at the graveyard today.
I'd fight tooth and nails to get you back, but that's out of the question.
Yesterday I promised myself to work on my story (13 days) again. I stopped
2 years ago, after a 15 years leave. I've to get it straight and done. It
feels important to me. Your three unanswered letters rest now on my desk.
It would be senseless to answer them, 22 years too late, but it seems
important to me..... again. Torgny would surely wish you all the best, and
so does the rest of the theater group. I wish they could fill in a few
pieces of your 'life as a puzzle' of which I never heard or seen a thing.
I'm so far away to get the picture right or complete.
Happy birthday my Lady!
06.10.2018:
Today 'd your 45th birthday. I was at the
grave of my father and grandma (the one you know for criticizing your chaos
of clothes you left when you were at Christoph recording). It was a sunny
and (too) warm a day to be normal; well the climate is changing. Anyway
it was a beautiful late autumn day, worth to be notified. I wish you were
here and alive, showing me your children, your happy marriage and wasting
a few words with me. I miss you a lot!!!
16.06.2019:
Torgny did write back instantly when I worked out a reply for his mail
in Decembre. I promised him to write him back soon... well that was 6
month ago. I'm feeling really bad, not written him a reply instantly
which is the only right way to reply. Well the next days. I'm still
powerless to add the few pictures from your mother and the beach
pictures from Torgny. Quite little a work, but working on your site
consumes a lot of endurance from my power. I often feel really
exhausted after getting further another step to complete the infos on
your (much too short) life! Today I will add two features: friends I
remember and your music linkings. I forget a lot of details/names in
the past years, so better put it down now. Your sister did wrote me
christmas letter and a few notes on her current life. Asking them for
small stories with you in it seems to frighten everyone by still
hurting them. Well I do understand very well!!!! Sleep well my Lady
08.11.2019:
I finally found the strength to write back to Torgny. I'm so sorry
that I feel so weak as soon as I do anything about you. I miss you a
lot, especially in the last two years. I have five pictures to add to
your site and two scans of your plays (which I have to convert to text
as they are already in english). I love you Hilde and I don't
understand why the earth is still moving around the sund when it lost
an important part while circling... Sleep well my Lady!
17.12.2019:
I'm still searching for the strength to finish this site and include
the addings from Torgny (pictures and a few explanations + the writings
of Hilde). 24 years have passed now and not any easier to live with
this fact. I will write to Elsa tomorrow a christmas card, just to let
her know. Your sister wrote me about one year ago: what a splendid
contact :-) Last time I saw her was when she was walking the dog on my
first visit in Norge April 1994. She's married since a long time ago,
has two children afair and lives now back in Norge. I just see that I
wrote in June about the eMail already.... My shoulder is getting much
better than a year before, while my eyesight stayed constant=> My
year was so far good to me. I wish I'd talk to you about it. I miss
your voice, your 100% attention, your presence, your aura, your smile
when you looked at me. So much was lost and so few memories. I hail to
you: The Queen is dead, long live the Queen. I miss you!
23.02.2020:
Evertime I start editing the page I already spent most of my
will and energy just with worring+thinking how much I miss you. It
seems impossible to me to finish the few chapters still missing so I
could finally ask for an overhaul of your page and having good english
used, instead of my 'fixed-together' language. It must be done; soon!
I hope Torgny is patient enough with me (just as he was up to now)
22.05.2020:
I'm lucky today as I already stopped (starting the 10th time in five
month) editing your site, but I included new pictures, added names
(that I do faintly remember), made the scans publishable, reformated a
few snippets of texts from your visits in 1994. I'm willing to finish
editing your site so I can give it to a poet to shape up my
english. Then it will be given to a real web designer. it still hurts
so much, I couldn't tell you.
06.10.2020:
Happy 47th birthday my Lady. I haven't had time to shrink and redisign your
website to minimize the initial pictures but I will soon! I found Violas
Mail address. I will write to her as well. Not sure about Audun...
Sleep well!
08.12.2020:
25 years god damn it, so sad....
17.12.2020:
25
years on the day and minute. I miss you so much! So little knowledge of
you survived, but the few aspects, glimmers of your live.
28.04.2021:
Today I collected my energy to continue. Well I added the "Philosophy"
chapter, and wrote my unique story about our meetings in IN. I wrote
Torgny and hope he's alive and kicking (well his last letter didn't
sound too happy about stopping theater/acting); I'm so happy to have
his knowledge and yes partly inspiration to continue. I'll contact
David soon to retranslate the page into a true english wording. I found
the addresses of Viola and Audun. Not sure if I'd contact them at all. Sleep well my Lady!
06.09.2021:
Two weeeks ago I was in Český Krumlov and visited the baroque
theater there. It instantly reminded me of Torgny and his plays in the
"Commedia dell’arte" style. I wrote him instantly when back and
included a detailed theater description. He would like the room with
about 170 different paintings of characters in the Commedia style. It was sayed to be
quite unique. Hopefully he will write back soon :-)
06.10.2021:
Happy Birthday my Lady! You are deeply missed at your Party. No word from Torgny so far. So much feelings for words to express.
16.12.2021:
Blast my eyes!
11.01.2023:
There was so much more for you to do.... I miss you dearly
17.12.2023:
I feel empty and powerless. 20:36 just passed and marks the passing
of your body 28 years ago. I'm not sure if I should remake the image of your site
with professional help of Judge (the Poet) and Toni so the site will reflect a
2020 style and will be finally in good english instead of my cobbled together style.
While I hope to reflect your character and your life with this rather short
(but advertisement free) website I miss the brilliance and radiance of our meetings no matter
how overhung the weather was. Back then a smile on your face kindled the love
I felt for you (even when I had to re-imagine it in my brain while we talked via a telephone line).
On your birthday your sister contacted me. I was very happy to get into contact
and I promised to write a few more words. I'll do that soon! The living are the
carrier of your thoughts, memories and a bit of your work and sunshine.
In 2021 I contacted two theaters in Berlin and asked about their program to do one of your acts.
I promised to translate it if not already done by you and contact them when finished.
I contacted your mother and wrote a bit about my proposal so an important part of you comes back to life.
Elsa told me about you keeping your plays guarded at best as possible (which means the absolute opposite
of what I try to do, but nontheless...). Well we still stand at that point, and I'm not sure if I find
currently the strength to put ti to work. 2,5 years is a long absence for "I'll report back when finished".
I asked Torgny what he thought could be the best for todays audience: The great Sculptor and The Man who
killed his Beloved; for both I've a nearly full translation (by you and Audun), but I'm not sure if it is
complete as I have no original to compare. Anyway it looks like there's a dead end to this.
I really wish I'd keep the few things in my grasp alive and afloat.
Sleep well Firelady. I miss you dearly
16.12.2024:
Another year passed and tomorrow marks your sad demise 29 years ago; damn it!
I've been silent but Trine reminded me last year of your love for colours and E's in everything sweet.
Just like Trine I bought a (weak) Liqueur which was deep red and so we welcomed the New Year (2024) in
your memory.
I miss you dearly!
Created 13.04.1999
Last Updated: 16.12.2024
